Sexual proficiency: Checklist of correct techniques

A lot of young men approach me for consultation to know ‘what is the best sexual technique’? Many of them are in a relationship and sexually active. I always answer this question with a lot of caution. There is always a risk that any discussion on sexual techniques may sound like a ‘mechanical checklist’.

There are several nuances to a sexual relationship between two people. Individual personality and preference also plays a key role. Such a query often arises from the assumption that good sex is merely a matter of following some secret formula or mastering a series of steps – like pushing the right key at the right time to get the right results. Things invariably are not that simple.

Sexual intimacy fundamentally involves much more than just a mechanical coupling of two people. It is not a ‘performance art’! It is a question of two living, breathing individuals with real feelings getting to know each closely, in a manner that draws upon their unique desires, feelings and moods. All these nuances are then expressed through intimate physical interplay and they considerably contribute to the quality of the shared sexual experience between two individuals.

Sexual pleasure relates less to ‘mechanical proficiency’ and is certainly not an ‘athletic feat’ that is supposed to conform to some ‘correct technique checklist’. The best sexual technique in actuality is a matter of frank, authentic and caring communication between partners. Such a communication needs to be rooted in both a discovery and a gradual unfolding of ‘shared dreams’, whereby both the partners convey to each other a genuine sense of what really feels good and what does not.

Sexual enjoyment thus, is more about how two people intimately ‘relate’ to each other.

Being preoccupied with proficiency at sex and trying to develop some mythical erotic artistry through diligence and practice makes having sex sound more like a chemistry or biology-based demo or endeavour rather than the private and tender display of affection… it is meant to be.

At a ground level, having this determined purpose of ‘technique mastery’ is more likely to interfere with the spontaneous enjoyment of the sexual experience. The self-imposed pressure for ‘performance criteria’ is more likely to hamper you from having the free flowing sensuous and passionate sexual encounter… you have hyped yourself up for!

I also strongly advise youngsters against discussing private aspects of your sex life with friends. Not only is this an invasion of your partner’s right to privacy, but it can also be seen a call for attention and may lead to an unsavoury dynamic of sexual competitiveness and criticism between partners.

Sexual pleasure relates less to ‘mechanical proficiency’ and is certainly not an athletic feat that is supposed to conform to some ‘correct technique checklist’.

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