Dear Bachi, I am temporary girlfriend of my ‘serious’ lover

I am a 28-year-old woman who has been in a serious relationship with a 31-year-old guy. Recently, his parents came to see me for marriage with my bf. But, they didn’t like me and our marriage plans shattered. We had decided in the past that we will never hurt our parents or go against their will. He told me to break up as he didn’t want me to feel that I have used him or unintentionally he didn’t want me to keep false hopes or hurt me. But I chose to stay with him and our bond is the same till he gets married.

Though we are still in a relationship, I see that gap between us that I am not able to figure out. The fear of losing him and seeing him with some other girl in future haunts me every day and is disturbing me. Due to my angry nature, I am treating him very badly unintentionally. I am losing my calm every day and I feel I am not able to give him the proper love he deserves. He is still loyal to me and patiently accepting me despite my flaws. But, the guilt of hurting him every day due to my insecurities or anger is choking me. I can’t see him in so much pain as I know he loves me. What should I do? I want to see him happy with or without me.

— Blinded by love

Dear Blinded by love,

I’m sorry be so brutal, but you are not only blinded but deaf and dumb as well. Your refusal to see the dead-end street right in front of your eyes or listen to reason has left me dumbstruck too. Can you even hear yourself? Go over your letter in a calm state of mind and tell me if you haven’t found the answer yourself. Actually, your brain seems to have been scrambled as well by what you call ‘love’, but what anyone with common sense will call ‘denial’. So let me put tell I like it is as clearly as I can without losing my own cool at your foolishness.

Look, lady, the writing is on the wall, and it consists of only two words, ‘Let Go’. You may have been in a relationship however ‘serious’, but obviously he didn’t take it with the same seriousness. Else he wouldn’t have been such a wimp, and merely rolled over quietly because his parents didn’t ‘like’ you. What does that mean anyway? They didn’t like the shape of your nose, or figured out exactly who you were at one meeting? And had no care about their son’s decision, let alone the effect on the woman hoping to be his bride? This ‘boy’s side’ entitlement is an age-old problem, but it’s disgusting all the same, or more so in this day and age of so-called equality.

However, what’s more frustrating, is your continuing to oblige the guy, heart, soul — and body. He magnanimously told you ‘to break up as he didn’t want me to feel that I have used him or unintentionally he didn’t want me to keep false hopes or hurt me.’ Big deal! You should have straight away called it quits, and parted friends. Instead you continued to twist the knife deeper into your heart, and into what was left of the relationship. On your own admission you have become a terrible person to him, and to yourself. You can never be a long suffering sati-savitri type watching your beloved walk to the mandap and a new family life. Nor you should be. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. So accept that IT’s OVER. Tell that straight up to the guy, with no rona-dhona. His ego may be wounded that he can no longer expect your one-sided commitment, but he will be relieved too. Just do it, and get back a real life.

Ask your questions to Bachi @youaskweanswer@timesinternet.in

(Write Giving Gyan in the subject line of your email)

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