Balancing act: How mommies are restoring order in the pandemic

It’s a carefully balanced chessboard in the best of times — school, work, play-dates, errand runs, school pick-ups, carpools to extra-curriculars.

The hours that remained clear and focussed were the hours at the office and / or the hours when everyone else was at work or at school. Those hours are gone in the pandemic. Every meal is now home-cooked, every lesson must be administered. The mom — often with even less external help than before — is now full-time caregiver, homemaker, teacher, cook and entertainer.

“In such a time, it’s important to learn to hand over the reins to others, and to not feel guilty about doing so,” says Aman Bhonsle, a psychotherapist and relationship counsellor. “Delegate work to other members of the household. Trust that everyone will eventually learn how to do the job right. It’s also important to play to your strengths and not worry about pleasing everyone.”

In a time that is also stressful for the family and for couples, communication is important. “Help the other person understand what needs to be done,” Bhonsle advises. Set aside time to have these conversations — to discuss delegation, handover, teach something that hasn’t been done before — all important initial steps that are often overlooked.

For Nirmala Rathi, 34, a chartered accountant in Tamil Nadu, things got better after she started delegating playtime for her daughter Khanikaa, 6. Now, in her work hours, it is various other loved ones’ responsibility to make sure Khanikaa is cared for and engaged.

The child’s list of activities has expanded in interesting ways as a result. She’s learning new languages with Google Translate, painting, making chocolate — all of which she adores. “On some days, this table doesn’t work,” Nirmala admits. “But on the days when it does, there’s a lot of mental peace.”

Vibha Divekar, 31, a social media analyst from Mumbai, went the other way at first. She decided to take the perfection she brought to her work and try and apply it to the relative chaos of raising a four-year-old. “In the initial days, I wanted to please everyone and do everything perfectly,” she says. So there were strict timetables for herself and others, three-course meals, plus her full-time job. “None of my timetables worked and I found myself getting burnt out,” she says.

The loss of a family member during this time made her realise, she says, that not everything can be controlled. She began to simplify — easier meals, delegating chores, logging out of work at a fixed time, letting her daughter decide some of her own routine.

“I now start my day with some ‘me time’, instead of racing to tick chores off a list,” she says. “And I find that I am calmer overall and more patient with my child.”

Seeing it work for Divekar, other family members have begun taking time off when they need it too. This has made the environment at home more peaceful, she says. “While there is still a lot to be done, and the realities of the pandemic still exist, our approach changed, and I think that has made all the difference.”

It is vital to take time off to care for yourself, Bhonsle says. Whatever it is used for, it will rejuvenate you and therefore it should be treated as non-negotiable. “We owe it to ourselves to respect the fact that we are first individuals and are then the roles that we inhabit,” Bhonsle points out. “It’s important to also normalise this act of caring for ourselves.”