Communicating sexual needs: Challenges faced by couples

Communication on sexual issues, needs and expectations is one of the toughest challenges faced by many couples. In Indian families, it is not common to openly discuss sexual issues with parents or other family members. Due to the hesitation over this ‘allegedly taboo topic’ that is experienced while growing up, talking about anything related to sex gets ignored, delayed or avoided for many years. Thus, many do not learn how to communicate on these matters.

Many couples engage in the sexual act by blindly believing or optimistically hoping that they know what their partner expects and likes. Often a very fragmentary knowledge is acquired through the extravagant depictions of sex that one gets to see in either pornographic content or projected erotica. This half-baked knowledge invariably results in being poorly informed about sex and can lead to an awkward, clumsy and unpleasant situation while trying to get sexually active.

Couples need to ask each other questions such as “Does this feel good and pleasurable?”, “What would you like me to do to make it better?”, “Are you enjoying our intimacy?”, “Is there anything in particular you want me to do differently or something you do not want me to do at all?” “Should we try something new?”

Although such discussions are necessary between a couple, it does not even occur to so many to turn their attention to these matters and such communication stays under wraps. As a rule, I tell all to be married and newly married couples who come to me for consultation that they should refrain from pretending and presuming to know what their partner wants, likes, prefers and even detests.

While it’s also true that many young women may not know what they exactly want during the initial days of their sex life, it is only a matter of time before they start figuring out what they really like or prefer and what they definitely do not enjoy. They may mechanically participate in the sexual act thinking that they are expected and “should be” enjoying what their partner is doing. The need to impress the partner supersedes than being authentic.

Traditional machismo paradigms often put a lot of pressure on men to always be in control. Many men get erroneously convinced that they are expected to know what to do with women in bed to be a ‘real man’. This is an unrealistic and burdensome way to label oneself. It is the responsibility of both the partners to expand their knowledge on matters of sexual intimacy, and communicating is the only master-key to explore and eventually know more.

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