Humour: Have the logistics of living taken a hit during the lockdown? – brunch columns

Good morning, home birds! I’m assuming that the garbage has been taken out, SM feeds duly checked and that sumptuous pressure-cooker meal prepped. In a more assiduous corner of the mind, lists are being made for all manner of essential supplies, from fancy vacuums to pretty masks. In yet another part of the brain, thoughts about new ways to further sanitise one’s already etherised home are spreading their (organic) fumes. Ahh, Sundays. The day one can finally devote one’s full attention to that great unifying force in these disconnected times: logistics.

Mary Poppins in the closet

In the long-ago days of pre-Covid life, spontaneity – like the word ‘bro’ in a millennial’s vocabulary – was in free supply. Wherever you looked, possibility beckoned. Impulsive decisions were the norm, like taking the scenic route on an open-ended drive, or landing up at the local pub in response to a casual whim. Now it’s all been pre-ordained: the shape and contours of a day closed to any last-minute adjustments, and most of all, to other people.

The world was once divided into introverts and extroverts. My nascent forays into pseudo-anthropology inform me that it’s now a (virtual) face-off between the hermits and the peopleists. Yes, that isn’t a word, but it should be. This is a shout-out to those among you who are regularly shamed for being that most uncool of sub-species – ‘social.’ You suppress your Mary Poppins instincts and are in the closet about the utter desolation that this social distancing is wreaking upon you. Fear not. Receive the barbaric barbs of those who coolly proclaim: “People drain me” as if it lends them an aura of prestige. We shall have our days and nights back. Be cool. Use the deceitful phrase, “It’s a relief to not have to socialise” occasionally to up your street cred. They can shake your confidence but never dim that will to mingle.

Listless in lockdown

We have now reached that stage of the lockdown where ‘my mask is better than yours’ is a thing, and I don’t mean in terms of efficiency. Though I admit a lot of these decorative facial coverings do lift the monotony of the gloomy standard versions, it’s taking me a while to submit to the cheer. I’m somehow attached to the idea of a mask being purely functional; keeping up with fashion is exhausting at the best of times. Right now, it’s absurd too.

“We’ve now reached that stage of the lockdown where ‘my mask is better than yours’ is a thing, and not in terms of efficiency”

But nothing at this historical moment is simply what it is. A designer mask made of scraps of material also gives you the chance to contribute to a Covid-relief charity. And that decides that. Whether you’re a frugal or an extravagant shopper, the 3-D dimensions of buying patterns are impossible to ignore – which I see as a big plus in this dire situation. I worry about single-use plastic bags and chemicals in hair colour, the provenance of an apple in the fridge and a TV series on the computer with a never-before intensity. Conscious consumption is all very well. It becomes a bit difficult when the day spreads out before you like it’s plotted on graph paper: mathematical and morose. The logistics of living have taken over all other ways of being. And this makes me listless. (Which is ironic, since lists are the trusty lieutenants of logistics.)

Blessed are the peopleists

In the early days of ‘Survivor: Lockdown Special’, I had cleaned my long-suffering cupboard, expecting the pandemic to have eased by the time it mangled itself again with its self-destructive energy. Now with every ironed piece of clothing having been used, I’m thinking of adopting a hippie attitude to appearance. (Not far from my usual ‘ravaged chic’ aesthetic.) The pixels on a scrambled Zoom screen do serve a purpose in the end: any so-called flaws in appearance are exaggerated and hence, forgiven.

There are days, though, when logistics take the edge off the existential uncertainty underlying our times. Pro tips: deleting 9,000 pictures on your phone will leave you feeling spiritually lighter. Ridding the fridge of an ancient salad dressing-turned-science experiment is another soul cleanser. And changing the window curtains literally and figuratively alters the way you look at the world outside. The peopleists will inherit the post-lockdown world. Until then, it’s best to lay low and learn from the self-satisfied hermits.

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From HT Brunch, July 12, 2020

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